"I had a dream about your ass last night."

Really? Just my ass, or is "your ass" a reference to my entire self, and that's some sort of player speak that drools out of creepy guys mouths?

In all honestly, my heart kind of jumped when I saw the ten digits of a semi-recognizable phone number show up on the screen of my phone as it buzzed with the delivery of your less-than-sexy, sexist message. My heart did this sort of diving board act, as it bounced up and down... until I opened the message, at which point it took that giant leap up, only to plunge into very cold, deep waters. Really? REALLY? We haven't spoken in months, I noticed you shimmied yourself into another relationship, and this is what I get sent? Not something innocent like "Hey, I found what you were looking for and will return it asap" or "Happy Holidays" ?

I went on to the ever reliable and all knowing facebook to see if you were single and if I should even entertain the idea of returning this message. You weren't. Shame.

It's a shame that your girlfriend is dating you, I guess is what I mean. When we first met, I had such high hopes for you. Funny, attractive, athletic, successful... we seemed to click instantaneously. And then you let me know you had just gotten out of a 7-year relationship a little over a month ago. I thought it would be perfect... we both needed single time, I was most likely moving to your city in a year... I thought the timing was ideal. Exchange flirty texts for awhile, maybe a date or something when we pass through each others cities... and then I found out, you're seeing someone. I was kind of taken a back, who gets out of a 7 year relationship and into a new one two months later?? Is that really enough time?? Anyways, I was sure that wasn't the type of person I'd ever want to date, and deleted you from my phone.

And now you're apparently dreaming about either me, or my ass, we're not quite sure... but I'd like to just ask, for my, and possibly your girlfriend's sake, how about not contacting me to tell me so? I left you in Baltimore a long time ago.