Letter to myself...

Dear Me,

With the recent events, it’s occurred to me of why I suddenly lose myself into relationships. The letting go of my self-esteem occurs because of the pressure to be loved for my true self. It took me years and years to accept who I was, and I know how hard it would be to do for a counterpart. I feel less lovable and feel my identity threatened; as though I would have to change to be more lovable. Today I realize – I will not change. Someday, someone will love me for my whole self… and they will be a stronger person because of it. I am a highly sensitive person. I have the ability to feel more. I have learned to view this as an ability, and not a disability. I know it is hard for others to do the same… to not just see me as over reacting to small events. As an emotional person, I will have a stronger emotional reaction to negative events… but I also will have a stronger emotional reactions to the positive events. I will not give up my higher level of happiness to suit anyone else. I may have more emotion, but I am also more in tune with myself and my own emotions than other people are. This also allows me the gift of being more in tune with the emotions of others. It makes me a more compassionate, understanding person. I can relate better to others, and also provide better leadership since I am able to gain a better sense of how people will react to certain things. I have accepted that my higher highs come with lower lows. I am not willing to give them up. This is who I am. My ability to feel more gives me a big heart, and allows me to love more. I can love with my whole heart, and my whole self, and give until I have only what’s left that I need for myself. I’m sorry that my ability to feel more also makes me hard to deal with sometimes. I’m not willing to let it go. I want to experience life in all its facets. Life is real. Sometimes it hurts. When it doesn’t hurt, it gives me a lot of joy. I’m not willing to lose my joy and love of simple pleasures to make anyone else more comfortable, regardless of how much I love them. I will not shut myself down, I will not shut myself off. This is me. I am hard to deal with… but I have learned to accept it, and love myself, and realize all of the wonderful abilities it gives to me that other people may not have. Love is genuine acceptance. I have wholly accepted this to be myself and will not change for anyone else. Someone will love me for it someday, too… and understand that my lows are my lows and not theirs. They will help me when they can and/or want to, and let go when they cannot. I will know that when they say they love me, they have genuinely accepted me as well. I hope to share my passion for loving others with them and make them want to be a more compassionate person as well. I am not willing to turn myself off to my world to make myself fit into anyone elses. I will love until I am loved back.

Love times an infitity of googleplexes,

Me <3

"I had a dream about your ass last night."

Really? Just my ass, or is "your ass" a reference to my entire self, and that's some sort of player speak that drools out of creepy guys mouths?

In all honestly, my heart kind of jumped when I saw the ten digits of a semi-recognizable phone number show up on the screen of my phone as it buzzed with the delivery of your less-than-sexy, sexist message. My heart did this sort of diving board act, as it bounced up and down... until I opened the message, at which point it took that giant leap up, only to plunge into very cold, deep waters. Really? REALLY? We haven't spoken in months, I noticed you shimmied yourself into another relationship, and this is what I get sent? Not something innocent like "Hey, I found what you were looking for and will return it asap" or "Happy Holidays" ?

I went on to the ever reliable and all knowing facebook to see if you were single and if I should even entertain the idea of returning this message. You weren't. Shame.

It's a shame that your girlfriend is dating you, I guess is what I mean. When we first met, I had such high hopes for you. Funny, attractive, athletic, successful... we seemed to click instantaneously. And then you let me know you had just gotten out of a 7-year relationship a little over a month ago. I thought it would be perfect... we both needed single time, I was most likely moving to your city in a year... I thought the timing was ideal. Exchange flirty texts for awhile, maybe a date or something when we pass through each others cities... and then I found out, you're seeing someone. I was kind of taken a back, who gets out of a 7 year relationship and into a new one two months later?? Is that really enough time?? Anyways, I was sure that wasn't the type of person I'd ever want to date, and deleted you from my phone.

And now you're apparently dreaming about either me, or my ass, we're not quite sure... but I'd like to just ask, for my, and possibly your girlfriend's sake, how about not contacting me to tell me so? I left you in Baltimore a long time ago.

Sa-Sa-Sa-Singgllee.

So today was one of those days where it was just genuinely good to be alive. I woke up, late for class, on a rainy day, in a sleeping bag on the floor covered in fleas... then burned my "omelet" which turned into a pile of eggs and fillings more than anything else. My coffee was instant, and I only got four hours of sleep - but I couldn't wipe this grin off my face.

Why? Because I'm single. Sure, it's been months and that effect should have worn off by now... but when you've been a counterpart for over 8 years, any day that you get all to your self, with no one to bring you down with a foul mood or "other" plans, is G-R-E-A-T.

Additional reasons to smile? I'm not a homewrecker. That guy from the college party had broken the engagement I had after-the-fact learned about months earlier.

I have also been texting Bar Worker Guy, and he seems genuinely sweet. Too bad I am too busy for dates right now!

I will also try my best to not be too busy for blogs. Sigh.

Wasting my time. . .

"A n y t h i n g less than mad,
passionate,
extraordinary love,
is a waste of time."

To step down memory lane... eight years ago today, was the first day I spent walking on cloud nine due to an actual, real, relationship. I can still picture part of it today, sitting in my 2nd period biology class... people staring at me, and wondering what the hell had happened to the usual cranky, non-morning person that I am.

"What the F$@k is wrong with you?!" My friend Sarah whispered loudly to me from two rows over.
An almost-silent "nothing," oozed out of my lips, barely taking the time to break the huge grin that had been on permanently pasted on them for the last 12 hours.

I was a sophomore in high school and had just been asked out the night before by a guy I had had a huge crush on all summer. He was tall, athletic, and hilarious... and had an Ashton Kutcher resemblance that I still can't help but be attracted to.

"It's that GUY, ISN'T it?" Sarah barked, her long black silky hair falling over her shoulders as she leaned towards me trying to pry the information out. I remember only being able to turn and look at her, showing her my glazed over, starry eyes, as my smile just grew even bigger.
"It is," she said to herself, exasperated, slumping back into her hard desk-chair. She was a no-nonsense, straight talker... even back then. Things like "love" were inconsequential to her.

Eric and I began today, eight years ago, the typical head-over-heels high school romance, that people still tell me today they were jealous of. The most adorable fact of all, perhaps, was that it took us five months to even kiss. We just loved being in eachothers company so much, that it barely even mattered. We had even spent our first New Years Eve just staring into eachothers eyes moments before the ball dropped... thinking that this would be it, but eventually letting our nerves get the best of us.

When I look back to those days, I realize that I've spend the last couple years just "wasting my time." The two relationships I've been in since both began with doubts of how I really felt, and questioning my friends if they thought he was good looking. There was no floating or bursting, or butterflies. While one had passion, the other was just mad, and neither were "extraordinary" by any means. I wonder now why I even let myself get so wrapped up in them at all. Three months to figure out that it's a waste of time is (somewhat) understandable... but two years? That's just weakness on my part. Here's to hoping that this year of singledom teaches me to raise my standards and put my foot down.

WHAT THE F$@K?!

So, just a moment to comment on the "What the F$@k?!"

When I was thinking about what to name this blog, I had just met a new guy in D.C. at a Pizza Place after a night of heavy binge drinking with a friend. Needless to say, when I was back in my own city the next day, I could not seem to remember his name or what he looked like. Since I couldn't place all the fuzzy details of our encounter, and had actually been hanging out with a different guy when I met him... I barely expected a call. So when he did dial my number I was completely caught off guard and replied with a shrieky "Ohhhh, yooOO000uuuuu!" Then proceeded to mumble some things (as I tend to do) that were most likely incoherent and then nicely spew on and on about how I didn't think he would call since I had been so drunk and could barely remember the evening. NICE! Realllly Nice...

But then what happened next was what really got me. After we hung up I began to OBSESS about whether or not he WOULD call again or meet me for drinks next time I was in D.C. after that shrieky, mumbling nonsense on the phone. Endless streaming thoughts on how I could have said this or probably shouldn't have said that... made me stop and go: "Wait... WTF?" I didn't even know this guy really, and STILL couldn't remember what he looked like or what his name was (He said it on the phone, but I didn't hear and thought asking would be in bad taste) and yet I was already obsessing over how he felt about me... all when I'm actively avoiding finding a "boyfriend" anyways! I realized that I needed to take a step back, not give a shit, and that we girls, are crazy.

Wasn't it this obsessing over what people thought of me, that got me into this mess in the first place? After a steady stream of boyfriends for the last 8 years (and I'm talking only 3 weeks in between relationships AT THE MOST) had caused a complete loss of sense of self, here I was trying to make sure I was somebody that someone I didn't even know would want! Why is it that I'll so readily lose myself for others? I have always been so hung up on trying to please my boyfriends, and make sure I was everything that they wanted... that I never even realized that I'm pretty cool just doing and being everything that I've always wanted.

I thought it was a good time to recap on the "WTF" for myself and you, because I found myself thinking a little too much about a guy I met this weekend whom I'm meeting up with tonight. He did nothing more than tell me I was beautiful and carry the six packs I had just bought out to my car... barely enough to warrant more than a passing thought. We didn't even exchange numbers, just a promise that I would return again on a Wednesday night, since that is when he works. Now I'm all "should I go THIS Wednesday or next Wednesday," and "will he be dissapointed if I don't come in tonight?" How about "does he even remember me?" Or "is he thinking about me?" and then I realize I need to step back, and say What the F$@k! I'm going to do... what I want to do.

Which just happens to be the theme of being twenty-something anyways, doesn't it? "What the hell do I want to do. . ." or What the F$@k am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I've come to realize now, that the only way I'm ever going to even begin to figure that out is to step back and just be ME, without you (or you, or him, or that guy) for at least a year. A YEAR!

Spill it.

I would like to officially announce that I have successfully made it through the summer as a single girl and to be honest – I was sort of afraid it might not work. I have always been “that” girl, I think… that girl who is always in a relationship or has a guy on the side. And after the dissolution of my two year relationship last April I vowed to myself to stay single for an entire year. However, when I made this vow, there was already a lurking “if I even make it through the summer” thought in the back of my head.

That lurking thought was mostly due to the discovery of the inevitable post-break-up “Mr. Perfect” a mere four days after the death (or official death – as it had already been dead for months) of my most recent relationship. This man was a 6’7”, green-eyed, six-packed, comedic athlete, who - - only two years after graduating college with honors had a job that already allowed him to buy a house, a fancy car, and a flat screen TV that wouldn’t even fit into my living room (and my TV is already pretty big). I got giddy just thinking about him, and the butterflies constantly flapping their wings in my stomach kept me almost permanently ten feet off the ground. I loved having a hunk by my side - a gorgeous man calling me back, making me laugh, and wrapping his arms around me on the couch.

However, when he stopped calling in late June, I was almost thankful – because I knew that I had it bad and there was no way I’d ever turn him away just because of a silly ‘Stay Single for a Year’ vow. I was desperately confused in the first few weeks after he stopped calling, but realize now that “desperate” had probably been eeking off my body all along. I suppose I’ve never really learned, as I never really had to, how to fully turn off “relationship mode.” This makes me exorbitantly thankful that he stopped calling now – because once he left I found that mode finally disintegrating within my body. I found in its place an exploding happiness that puts the stupidest grin you’ve ever seen on my face (more so than the “Mr. Perfect" butterflies). Something I once thought was reserved for teenage love stories was brimming over from a confidence that now relies solely on me to feed it, and oddly enough, is stronger than it’s ever been as a result. Not to mention “Mr. Perfect” was obviously looking for a ho not a housewife, and I’m just not that girl. . .

I tried to tell my friends once that I was “staying off guys” for a year, but let’s be honest, not only is that a bit drastic, but the single life and dating is just way too fun. So here is where I wish to divulge my dating tales in hopes of somehow preventing a day to day or text to text divulgence to my friends – an act that would surely affix that “boy crazy” cast type to my persona – a label I fear that I might already have. I can talk politics, religion, current events, and pop culture with the best of them (ok, lied about the politics part) but many times I find guys appearing simply way too much as my general topic of conversation. So at least here, I won’t have to guess if that raised eye brow might or might not have been the slightest suggestion of whether or not you want to hear about how I met a guy in the Supermarket today, and he was soooooooo cute. Yada yada yada. In any event, it spills here.