WHAT THE F$@K?!

So, just a moment to comment on the "What the F$@k?!"

When I was thinking about what to name this blog, I had just met a new guy in D.C. at a Pizza Place after a night of heavy binge drinking with a friend. Needless to say, when I was back in my own city the next day, I could not seem to remember his name or what he looked like. Since I couldn't place all the fuzzy details of our encounter, and had actually been hanging out with a different guy when I met him... I barely expected a call. So when he did dial my number I was completely caught off guard and replied with a shrieky "Ohhhh, yooOO000uuuuu!" Then proceeded to mumble some things (as I tend to do) that were most likely incoherent and then nicely spew on and on about how I didn't think he would call since I had been so drunk and could barely remember the evening. NICE! Realllly Nice...

But then what happened next was what really got me. After we hung up I began to OBSESS about whether or not he WOULD call again or meet me for drinks next time I was in D.C. after that shrieky, mumbling nonsense on the phone. Endless streaming thoughts on how I could have said this or probably shouldn't have said that... made me stop and go: "Wait... WTF?" I didn't even know this guy really, and STILL couldn't remember what he looked like or what his name was (He said it on the phone, but I didn't hear and thought asking would be in bad taste) and yet I was already obsessing over how he felt about me... all when I'm actively avoiding finding a "boyfriend" anyways! I realized that I needed to take a step back, not give a shit, and that we girls, are crazy.

Wasn't it this obsessing over what people thought of me, that got me into this mess in the first place? After a steady stream of boyfriends for the last 8 years (and I'm talking only 3 weeks in between relationships AT THE MOST) had caused a complete loss of sense of self, here I was trying to make sure I was somebody that someone I didn't even know would want! Why is it that I'll so readily lose myself for others? I have always been so hung up on trying to please my boyfriends, and make sure I was everything that they wanted... that I never even realized that I'm pretty cool just doing and being everything that I've always wanted.

I thought it was a good time to recap on the "WTF" for myself and you, because I found myself thinking a little too much about a guy I met this weekend whom I'm meeting up with tonight. He did nothing more than tell me I was beautiful and carry the six packs I had just bought out to my car... barely enough to warrant more than a passing thought. We didn't even exchange numbers, just a promise that I would return again on a Wednesday night, since that is when he works. Now I'm all "should I go THIS Wednesday or next Wednesday," and "will he be dissapointed if I don't come in tonight?" How about "does he even remember me?" Or "is he thinking about me?" and then I realize I need to step back, and say What the F$@k! I'm going to do... what I want to do.

Which just happens to be the theme of being twenty-something anyways, doesn't it? "What the hell do I want to do. . ." or What the F$@k am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I've come to realize now, that the only way I'm ever going to even begin to figure that out is to step back and just be ME, without you (or you, or him, or that guy) for at least a year. A YEAR!